Conflict within relationship is unavoidable, but healthy resolution doesn’t come naturally. In Episode #21 of the MWH Podcast, Robby Booth returns for an extended conversation on pursuing healthy conflict resolution within the relationships every leader holds. Below are the 11 Pillars of Relational Resolve.
11 Pillars of Healthy Resolve:
Gain their permission in having a talk time. Ask permission to talk about "it". Respect one another's differences of "need to talk about it now" and "never wanting to talk about it" (aka "let's talk about it in a little while"), finding true, healthy relational compromise. If talking about "it" commonly causes emotional escalation, agree at the onset of the conversation that one of the goals will be to talk calmly.
Select a good time to talk that has the least amount of distractions, tensions, interruptions, and time restraints.
Affirm the individual. Let them know honestly and positively the value that they have to you.
Make your goals clear. Many times the goal will include having a better relationship with them, with greater trust and respect, and a solution that helps all. Have a goal. Check your motives. Where do you want the conversation to go.Deal with the unspoken target! Value/love. Minister to the person by the way you are with them. Often there is a bigger deal going on in their life.
Listen! God gave you two ears and one mouth...live accordingly. Listening is a goal, a destination, a solution. Love requires time, focused time, and listening. It means your mouth is not moving. Listening shows value and respect of the other. Hear. Romans 12:15, "weep with those that weep, rejoice with those that rejoice." Galatians 6:2. Weep, rejoice, bear. Bring comfort. Care. Don't cut off, don't speak for them, don't judge or minimize. Blocks to listening: Defensiveness, isolation, fear, Stone walling, insecurity, having to be heard 1st, having to be right.
Speak...adding Life! Speak empathetically. Love them through what you say. 1 Corinthians 13, all. With value and understanding. Don't load the conversation! Too many examples. Multiple issues, assumptions, absolutes, comparisons... All load the conversation. Ask clarifying questions. It shows you are trying to understand. Don't change the subject. No ping ponging from one person to another. Don't demean. Affirm! Don't leave them guessing what you really think! Don't overstate. "Always" and "never" can sabotage, or distract from, healthy dialogue. Keep your mouth on track with where you want the conversation to go. Remember point 1.
Seek to understand where they’re coming from concerning the issue. Give them time to share regarding the issue. Ask questions but don’t interrogate. Ask to understand. Don’t interrupt. Let them finish their thoughts. Don’t be in a hurry. Seek to understand. Work on palatable, non-escalating communication. Work on capturing the heart of what they are trying to say, verses defensiveness. Defensiveness blocks listening. If you want to be heard, say it in a way they can best hear you. Don't assign motives to their conversation. Clarify.
Be flexible in trying to find a solution. Some of the issues will be more fully understood only during the discussion, not before. Be cautious of being too rigid or drawing to many conclusions before the discussion. Don’t assume. Don’t assign motive.
Attempt to stay on track. If a digressive issue is brought up, agree to discuss it, but come back to the original issue for resolution. Don’t load the conversation with multiple issues. Don’t go beyond two. Keep in mind what they can tolerate.
Watch the manner in which you speak, to understand how they would hear you. The goal is resolution! Don’t use loaded or judgemental words. Don’t compare them with others. Don’t load. Keep the excess loading to a minimum. Avoid collusions. Don't quote from others. Be aware of their circumstantial ability to talk. Time, environment, exhaustion level, emotional strength to be considered. Don't air your stuff publicly. Matthew 18 deals with one on one first. Facebook is not one on one. Be a safe person to resolve with. No belittling. Key: Be trustworthy, safe, non-toxic.
Own your own stuff! (Log/splinter). It gains respect and relational equity when genuine and carries a change with it.
Written by Robert Booth and shared with permission
Resources Highlighted from this Interview:
Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud
Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't by Dr. Henry Cloud
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